Grief
by sheppardlover928
Summary: John and the team are on a mission. John is charged with returning an injured scientist back to Atlantis, but they never make it. A storm has forced them down and a grieving widow has other plans.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own the Stargate franchise or the characters within. I write only for enjoyment in continuing my favorite series in these fictional stories.

Grief.

chapter one

She drew the darkly colored shirt to her nose and breathed in, deeply. It smelled of pine and soap and his own unique manly musk. She missed him...so very much. Three weeks...it had been three whole weeks, plus a day.

All she had left now were his clothes still in the dirty laundry pile that she had neglected since that day. Necessity would need her to deal with the dwindling supply of clean clothes and linens for herself soon. Maybe tomorrow...there was always tomorrow. For now...

His scent was strongest on the shirt. He had worn this shirt the day before his last. She smiled sadly as the vision of his image wearing the shirt filled her memories. His lean frame filling the shirt out so appealingly. His dark unruly hair sweeping the neck of the shirt collar just so.

Memories...it was all she had left now...oh...and his dirty laundry, especially this shirt that held his scent the strongest. She could not even bear to say his name yet, the memories were hard enough to bear right now.

She had reluctantly passed on all his other clothes to Zenek, her friend's eleven year-old son who was perhaps the farthest from a match to the clothes, and was in fact, the opposite end of any familar comparison she may see when the boy started wearing the altered clothing. She could not give the clothes to another man, for that man would have had to have been long and lean...too close...too close.

Zenek was just a child and was also fair and chubby, furthering the curve of any comparison she may feel once the clothing was in use, were she to recognize any of it. She lived far out from town, so she would rarely see the boy. She knew she would avoid him completely now...just in case.

She folded the shirt carefully. She would not wash the last traces of him away. She placed the shirt amongst her own, willing his lingering scent to permeate her own.

ooooo

Sheppard was on his way back to the gate to return Dr Bushnell to Atlantis...more specifically, to the infirmary. A probable broken ankle the reason. The rest of the research team, plus the rest of his team were still exploring the ruins located a few kilometers further out from the nearest village. He didnt like leaving his people, even for the estimated thirty minutes he had figured it would take to transport the injured man back home and then return to the site, regardless of the lack of any foreseeable danger.

Colonel Sheppard tried to keep Jim, aka Dr Bushnell engaged in conversation, in the hopes that the small talk would keep the archaeologist's mind occupied, and therefore not focused on his ankle pain. John knew from experience just how badly a broken ankle could hurt.

It shouldn't have mattered that the weather had suddenly turned ugly, the Colonel was the best and most experienced pilot in Atlantis. Even though Jumper One responded to him like a second skin, he never took anything for granted.

A lightning bolt directly to the power conduit relay cut the connection between ship and man. The experienced pilot, ever vigilant, hit the manual switch immediately, but it was too late. He had been skimming along the treetops due to the atmospheric turmoil the storm produced and there had been no room for error. They were going down.


	2. Chapter 2

Grief.

chapter two

Uliana disliked the storm sounds. This being the first time alone during bad weather made the experience even worse. She lay, hidden under the covers of the bed, shaking with fear. She clutched the pillow over her head to drown out the noise. His scent here would have been welcomed now, a comfort even, but it was absent. She had changed the linens that morning, three weeks plus one day ago. The used sheets already laundered that same day as was her practice. Only sheets and drying cloths were laundered on changing day. Done too early...or too late, her feelings on the timing of that task was still dependent on her mood.

As was her practice, she had laundered early, so the cleaned fabrics had all day to blow in the fresh air and dry leisurely. The scent of him on the sleeping sheets washed away...too late, only the laundry soap and fresh air scent remained. She had cursed her stringent schedule for domestic tasks.

The storm noise sent a particularly powerful shockwave that shook the sturdy house on its foundation. It felt like a tree or several trees had fallen close to the house. She prayed none would fall onto the house. A swift thought passed through her grieving mind that suggested that maybe that wouldnt be so bad...as perhaps fate would take her to reunite with him. Uliana squeezed her eyes shut, deciding to sift through her memories, for a time that he had laid next to her, holding her as she shivered through a different storm. Her memories stirred her loins. She sorely missed his muscular long arms holding her tight.

-oOo-

The impact wasnt so bad, he was still alive at least, he had time to muse, before the pain in his head sent him unconsciousness.

It was stil storming outside when he woke again. The headache was making him nauseous and he really didnt want to move...not even an inch. But, he needed to check on something...or someone...he wasnt sure which. He was unable to make his body move that first dreaded inch, no matter how hard he willed to make it so. The effort was too much and he couldnt blink away the encroaching darkness.

-oOO-

The storm passed slowly. It had lasted throughout the night. With the first rays of daylight, Uliana could see that it would be a bright, clear morning. It did not matter to her. All her days were dull and dark, her grief masking any evidence to the contrary.

Though life now held no joy, she had not given up. She rose with the sun and performed her daily tasks as she had always done. One day just rolled into the next. She was well aware of how she had spent the last three weeks plus one day. Excrutiatingly aware.

This morning though, held a curiosity that she needed to explore. The storm noise that had shook the house was most likely due to fallen trees, but she would need to go out to see if there was any need to worry.

Stepping outside, she saw distant dark clouds. Another storm was approaching. She would need to hurry. Her exploration of the grounds immediately around her home was clear. No tree had fallen that she could see, but the noise had been loud and she was sure somewhere closeby she would find what had been responsible for it.

Several minutes of walking in the field behind her home, revealed the first signs of damage. As she got closer she found the suspicious markings. Deep grooves marred the field, deepening and widening away and out from where she stood. She walked the disturbed ground, looking for whatever had caused the damage. Up ahead, she found the damage abruptly ended, but the tall grass lay flattened as if pressed down by some unseen force. She continued on, intent on examining the field beyond the markings.

She was not prepared when her forward gait was halted as if she had walked straight into a wall...though nothing was there. She fell to the ground from the impact, her nose hurt and bleeding. She picked herself up and held her bloody hands in front of her as she felt forward. She connected with...something and as if by magic, her bloody handprint hung in the air where she had touched. It had not hurt, so she continued to feel the solid unseen surface.

She purposely swiped the blood from her nose to mark the solid air in front of her. Her fingers connected with what felt like a lever, though for the life of her, she could not explain how the air held such solid mass.

She wasnt sure why she wasnt scared to death as she faced this phenomenom. Maybe it was her dullness and her grief or perhaps she just didnt care about what danger may be lurking. Regardless, her curiosity had come to the forefront, ahead of any other emotion.

She pulled on the solid air lever.

A loud hiss made her jump and in fascination, she watched...nothing! There was nothing there! But all her senses told her there was! Besides, her handprints that had hung in the air had shifted and lowered when the loud hiss had occurred. Her foot connected with something, again the solid air. She cautiously toed her way along what felt like a solid incline. Stepping further along, she found herself staring dumbly at the impossible scene. Casting caution to the wind, she stepped up onto the solid air ramp.

The view she saw was stunning...disturbing, but stunning. Where once there had been nothing, she now stood in what appeared to be a small room. The bright sunlight was blocked by the solid air mass. Uliana stepped down a bit to look around the edge of the room. All she saw was the continued landscape of the field. Though turning her head back "inside" was the interior of some kind of room. She stepped further in and jumped, already back pedaling. Two bodies lay deeper into the room. One had his eyes open, unseeing and obviously no longer alive. The other was sprawled at an awkward angle and even from where she stood, she could see he still drew breath.

She could not explain what all this meant, but she knew this injured man needed help. She saw what looked like a storage area above the seats. She rummaged through it looking for something to help her remove the man from his current position. Somehow she needed to get him back to the house, away from this curious and strange room...away from the other man who was beyond help. She found what appeared to be a type of hammock bound to two long metal sticks on each side. If she could roll the man onto it, she would go back for Odan. Poor Odan, who was also grieving for his master. The animal had eaten little over the last weeks, obviously in mourning. She hoped that he was strong enough to pull the the man back to the house from here.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

Grief.

chapter three

It had taken much longer than she had thought and a lot more energy and muscle than she thought herself capable of...to get the injured man to his current resting place. the storm had arrived just as she had rigged the hammock to Odan's harness. The ground had turned muddy fast and had made the trip harder.

Once she had him settled, she administered to her own injury. She had suffered a deep gash on her arm from ragged metal just outside the magical room. She had bound it right away with cloth she found within the room, but it had been sometime ago. She was dismayed to find the wound still oozing blood, the site red and inflamed.

The house had been just too far to go for poor grieving Odan, so instead she had opted to bring the man to the underground shelter which was nearer to the edge of the field, hidden by a stand of trees. It was dry and had bed rolls and supplies already there. It had been built long ago to keep them safe from the Wraith if they came to cull. She thought back to the only time, in her lifetime, when she had been in this very shelter, with her parents. She had been a small child when the Wraith had come. Her father had hurriedly carried her while her mother carried a cache of food to the shelter while the Wraith ships noisily flew above. They had remained there for many days, until her father was sure the Wraith were gone. The shelter was well hidden, purposely so, so that no Wraith seeking more victims would be led to this hiding place.

She had not really had time to look at the injured man too closely as her attentions had been focused on getting him to the shelter, away from the magical room. She had been thankful the man was not large, or she would not have been able to move him at all. Though he was heavy enough, even if his build suggested different. Now that she had time to look, the familiarity struck her like a lightning bolt. This man before her, closely resembled her mate, the man she had been grieving for these last few weeks. This man's build was comparable to her beloved's as was his coloring and his age seemed similar. His dark hair was shorter and stood out at odd angles. He was very handsome and she blushed at the thought. She was still in mourning, but that did not stop her from appreciating another man's pleasant features. She shook herself from such thoughts and busied herself as she looked after his injuries.

Uliana stayed in the shelter all day and all night, tending to the injured man. He had yet to fully awaken, though he had surfaced a few times. Incoherent for the most part, she had only been able to get him to drink some water. He was feverish due to his injuries and she had added the sasson berry juice to the water to help reduce the fever and fight the infection from his injuries.

So intent on caring for the man, she had not taken care of her own injury properly. She had ignored the building pain and the fever that accompanied it. Fatigue consumed her as the fever took hold.

She was unaware of the activity going on outside, in the field where the mysterious room was.

-OooooooooOooooooooO-

Major Lorne headed the rescue mission. Once it was determined that Colonel Sheppard, Dr Bushnell and Jumper One were missing, his team headed out immediately. It hadnt taken long to find the downed jumper's tracker. Sadly, they found Dr Bushnell dead inside, apparently fatally injured after being thrown head first into the bulkhead door. Alarmingly, the Colonel was missing, though blood was evident around and on the pilot seat.

The jumper had been cloaked and had remained that way after impact. They had found it with the rear hatch door opened. If the Colonel had exited, his tracks were erased by the heavy rain that had fallen.

Ronon was frantically trying to pick up a trail but had been unsuccessful thus far. No one was home at the house near the field. They had been there several times over the last 24 hours. It was definitely someone's current home, but they had yet to return, which was curious, as the livestock were still there, unattended in a barn near the house. One large mule type animal, wore a harness that was still damp.

Rodney busied himself trying to fix the power conduit relay which he had identified as the reason for the puddlejumper to crash. Rodney was saddend by the death of his colleague and his worry over his friend being injured and missing was making him irritable and cranky. Everyone was keeping their distance, even Teyla, who chose to keep an eye on her fellow teammates as they tried to work out what had happened and where the Colonel might be. Her own concerns about the Colonel barely manageable as time passed. It made no sense. He could not have gone far, not on his own. The occupants of the home were absent and though there were a multitude of reasons that may explain that, the most likely reason was they were with the Colonel. But where?!

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

Grief

chapter four

Uliana woke to the sound of moans. Ignoring her own fever, she rose wearily to her beloved's side. His sickness apparent, she grabbled for the basin just in time to thrust it under him. Eventually his heaving stilled, most likely due to his exhaustion.

"Oh, my love! I will not fail you this time! You must live! I will make sure of it! You can not leave me...not again! I love you so! Please get well!"

He was confused by the woman's words, but he was too exhausted and in too much pain to care. He fell into a deep sleep once again.

She lightly kissed his forehead, its heat cooler than her own lips. She smiled, perhaps his fever was ready to break. She laid down next to him, her hand on his chest and fell into a restless sleep.

In her fevered nightmare, the Wraith were outside, their whining ships passing overhead, searching for victims. They were safe here. Her beloved and herself. No Wraith would find them. Her father had built the shelter, expertly hiding the entrance so that only their family would be able to locate it. Years had only made the already hard to find entrance, even more invisible. They were safe here...they would wait til she was sure it was safe from Wraith and roving eyes. No one would take him away from her. Not this time! She would keep him safe.

The villagers were not exactly strangers, but were more like new allies. Colonel Sheppard and his team had forged a friendly alliance with possible trade possibilites earlier in the week while seeking permission to explore the planet. After a number of mishaps on other planets, it was prudent to make sure the locals were aware and approved of their exploratory intentions.

They were friendly and seemed genuinely concerned for the missing men. With no leads, it was crucial to have the villagers input into what may have happened.

Lorne and Teyla returned to the village for any information they could muster to help in their search. It was like the Colonel had evaporated into thin air.

"Your ship crashed to the east, in a field? Sounds like that may be where the recently widowed Uliana Ancovali lives. She is a lovely young woman who recently lost her husband. Poor girl tried her darndest to heal her mate after he was bitten by a strathe." Teyla could see the village elder Tomas, also still felt grief at the loss of the young man.

" A strat-he? What is that?" Lorne asked, his spidey sense rearing up. They still had men out in the field.

"Its a poisonous snake that has a shaker on its hind end. Shakes it right before it strikes. Once bitten, there be no cure. Death follows quickly and it is not an easy end. Uliana brought Keon to the healer in town as quick as she could, but like I say, the bite is fatal. You must warn your men to be careful around the wooded areas. Tomas frowned. "You think Uliana has something to do with Colonel Sheppard, don't you?!"

Lorne and Teyla passed discreet looks to one another. Lorne moved away to key his ear com so that he could warn those searching to watch out for the snake which sounded lke the Pegasus version of a rattlesnake.

Meanwhile, Teyla asked " Tomas, both are missing. Is there somewhere Uliana may have taken Colonel Sheppard?"

Tomas was offended. "Uliana is a good person...kind and gentle. You are suggesting that she has abducted your man, a deed of an unstable person! Uliana might be a grieving widow but she is not unstable! I will vouch for her personally!

Teyla knew Tomas was insulted that one of his own was under suspicion, she needed to be careful.

"Tomas, we are not suggesting anything. But, you must admit the circumstances are more than coincidental. Both missing from the same area. I must ask again if there is a place Uliana may have taken the injured Colonel, other than the house?"

Tomas thought for a moment before answering. " There is a shelter on the property, a shelter built to hide from the Wraith. It is well hidden. Its location is a well kept secret, only known by the family...to insure it would never be compromised in the event of an attack.

Lorne relayed the information to his search teams, specifically to Ronon. If they had any chance of finding this place, Ronon was there best bet. Trying to find the Colonel by his sub-Q transmitter had been a bust. And an underground bunker would explain the lack of signal.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

Grief

chapter five

John woke again. This time a bit more coherent, though his fever had not broken. He couldnt figure out where he was. Couldnt remember why his head hurt so bad, or why his leg felt like a hot poker was sticking in it. Everything seemed to be enveloped in a fog. He stifled a groan, not wanting to give himself away just yet...not until he knew more about his situation. He heard noises coming from somewhere near and shifted his hooded gaze to locate what was causing it.

He saw a woman, busying herself at doing something.

"H'lo?" His attempt at speech was garbled at best. He hoped it was due to his dry mouth and not a symptom of his excrutiating headache.

The woman turned around. Even through his muddled fog, he knew something was wrong with her.

She held a long sharp knife, but disturbingly, that wasnt what had made John flinch. It was more the whole picture. On a good day, John was sure this woman was very attractive but today, was not a good one. It was obvious she was sick. Her sweat-slicked pale face and glassy red-rimmed eyes were telltale signs of fever.

"Keon! My love! You are awake!" She moved quickly to him, thankfully leaving the knife on the bench behind her.

Before he could comprehend and deny who she thought he was, she had a flask to his lips. He hoped it was just water, as she forced the liquid into him, despite his feeble attempts at protest.

"Drink my love, it is alright...the sasson berry will help with the fever, the aekenberry will help put you to sleep. Only then will I save you by removing your leg like I should have done the first time!"

John's eyes flew open wide. In his own fog, he was sure he had heard her plans to do what?! Remove his leg?! Oh! No,no,no,no!

Whatever was in the water was acting fast. His sluggish brain was still protesting loudly in his head, but the words wouldnt come out loud and then he felt himself slip into darkness.

It was Ronon who found the hatch. He cursed himself for having missed it earlier. It was hidden so well that if he had not known what and where to look, he would have missed it again.

He alerted the others as he pulled on the hatch to open it. No one needed the ear com to hear his frustrated yell.

Lorne and Teyla had also made it back from town about ten minutes before and every rescue team member rushed to where Ronon was. The jumper holding Carson and his team, was relocated to as near as they could get to the wooded area hiding the shelter.

Dried blood on the hatch cover told them this had to be where the Colonel and the woman were.

Without waiting, Ronon used his gun to break the seal. He was the first to descend into the shelter cautiously. His eyes quickly adjusted to the dimmer light and he froze in place, afraid to move.

The woman had a knife to Sheppard's leg, blood on the blade was visible. He wanted to shoot her but was afraid she would fall forward and cause the knife to go deeper than it appeared to be already.

Teyla was right behind him and was shocked by the scene. The woman was obviously crazed by sickness.

"Uliana, please stop! Whatever you think you are doing...please stop! Tomas told us where you were. It is alright now...we can help John!"

"No, no, no, no, no! The poison cannot be allowed to travel! I need to amputate his leg so that he will live! I didnt know what to do the first time! I will do what I have to, to save him now! You cannot stop me! "

She looked down and stroked the unconscious man's face lovingly. "Oh my love, I can not lose you again!"

"Uliana, please! We have medicine that will help! You do not have to do this...we have healers right outside!" Teyla hoped her pleading got through to the sickly woman. "Uliana, you are not well either. We need to help both of you!"

Uliana stood over John, the knife poised over his leg. " No! The healers said there was nothing they could do! They would let Keon die! I will save him! I know I can!

She focused back on what she intended. Ronon had had enough of Teyla trying to talk the woman down. He made sure his weapon was on stun and aimed.

Uliana fell back, the knife clattered to the floor. Ronon was already moving forward. Teyla close behind with Lorne following her.

Lorne cursed when he saw the Colonel's leg. Not only was his leg obviously broken, but the cut that the woman had made was deep, blood covered the sheet beneath it.

"Get Dr Beckett in here now!"

Carson rushed in followed by his team. He immediately began relaying instructions to his med team. It was evident that the Colonel was in a drug-induced sleep, but not knowing what it was, it would be hazardous to give any other meds due to any adverse cross reactivity that may occur. They did whatever they could to stabilize him and then bundled him onto the waiting gurney for transport back to Atlantis.

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

Grief

chapter six

Carson called in their chief vascular surgeon to deal with the injury to John's leg. Uliana had been halfway through her attempt to amputate his leg, leaving muscle and major blood vessels severed along with vital nerves. Thankfully she had not severed the femoral artery, but the pulse was weaker below the cut. Reattachment of the blood vessels and nerves was a tedious job and one that Carson would gladly bow to the resident expert, Dr Ramirez.

Five hours later, Carson and Ramirez scrubbed out while their patient was transferred to post op. Carson knew the waiting room was filled with impatiently waiting friends. The news was tentative at best and would not be recieved well.

Carson had asked Dr Ramierez to be the one to explain the damage done, the surgery and what the prognosis would entail.

As the two doctors exited the OR doors, the waiting group sprung to their feet. Carson held off any questions with his raised hand.

"The surgery is over and the Colonel will be in recovery for a while. The concussion he suffered from the crash is healing but still needs to be monitored closely due to the prolonged exposure to anesthesia. His tibia was fractured mid-calf and that has been pinned back into place. The vascular sugery was the most difficult and I will let Dr Ramirez explain.

Dr Ramirez took over the briefing. "Colonel Sheppard suffered extensive damage from the deep lateral laceration to his lower leg, just below the knee. We have reattached all the vital vessels and nerves and his circulation has improved. Luckily the femoral artery was intact."

Dr Weir asked the question they all wanted answered.

"Will John be able to walk?"

Dr Ramirez sighed, knowing they all wanted a definitive answer. "Like I said all vital vessels and nerves were reattached, but it is too early to tell what his prognosis will be. There are hundreds of secondary nerve endings that are just not possible to reattached surgically. Most grow back together on their own. At the least, the Colonel will have some localized numbness, unfortunately the extent of that numbness is unpredictable at this time. Worst case scenario, a loss of feeling in his lower leg to his foot from nerve damage will prevent full use. But lets not go there. Its going to take time...it can take up to a year for some nerves to regenerate fully. He will need your support over the next few months, possibly longer. We know our Colonel is very resilient, even hesitant to ask for help..so keep that in mind too."

Carson added "the Colonel is suffering an infection in his leg due to the fracture and from the laceration, though surprisingly not as deeply infected as it could be. Hopefully the antibiotics will kick in and clear the infection quickly."

The group sat still, absorbing the information...not terrible, but not good either. The fear that they would have had to finish the amputation had had them all holding theirs breaths. So far, the expert skills of their doctors had reversed the sick woman's attempts.

The doctors turned to go check on their patient. Teyla interrupted their retreat. "Carson? How is the woman...Uliana doing?" While the woman had severely injured the Colonel, she had done so in a fevered, delirious state, not maliciously but in a grievous attempt to save the life she perceived was her already deceased husband.

"Aye, Teyla...we have her on antibiotics. So far she is still the same, but I am hopeful that once the meds have time to work, she will improve.

It was not clear yet at what point Uliana had projected her grief onto Colonel Sheppard, seeing him as her injured husband, Keon whom she had been unable to save just three weeks earlier. Her own injury was still severely infected and she was still too incoherant to question.

Carson was hopeful that the antibiotics he was administering would be enough to heal the infection in her injured arm. He feared for her mental state, regardless of whether the fever instigated her actions, it appeared that, according to Tomas, she had been suffering a severe depression due to her grief.

With the gradual reduction of post op sedation, John woke the next afternoon. Sound was the first sense that registered. Conversation, a female and a male. The accent was familar, comforting and it took only a few seconds for him to identify the voice belonging to Carson. The female, again familar and comforting belonged to Teyla.

Anxious to draw their attention with as little effort as possible, he groaned. Through slitted eyes, he could make out their fuzzy faces abruptly turn towards him.

"Aye, Lad! Welcome back!"

"John! Yes...welcome back! It is good to see you awake!"

John smiled slightly, the greetings semi-registering through his fog. He wondered where he had gone and for how long...for them to welcome him back from so enthusiastically. As he woke more fully, the answer hit him hard..amd fast.

He went to grab for his leg, remembering the crazy lady about to cut it off! He gasped with the sudden movement. The pain in his leg excrutiating. Carson and Teyla pushed him back down, flat on his back as he struggled to rise enough to see if his leg pain was real or from phantom pains he knew amputees felt after limb loss.

"M' leg! Cars'n! I need t'know! Is my leg gone?!" He gasped, trying hard not to sob, afraid of the answer. He focused on Carson's face, silently imploring him to say the words he wanted to hear and not what he expected him to confirm.

"Take it easy, lad...take a deep breath in and out...in and out."

What?! What was Carson saying?! John was so hyped, he wasnt aware that he was hyperventilating. His panic starving his body of much needed oxygen.

Before he could comprehend what Carson was on about, an oxygen mask was placed over his nose and mouth, blocking his view. He struggled even harder. He was on the verge of passing out, when Teyla's soothing voice filtered through, calming him enough for his breathing to relax.

She continued to soothe him with words as his breathing calmed and his body relaxed with the fresh oxygen supply. It didnt matter what Teyla was saying, in fact, he had no clue. It was the tone, quality and cadence of her voice which calmed him.

"John, you still have your leg. You were injured, but we found you in time. Be calm, you are back in Atlantis. You are in the infirmary and you are safe."

When he had calmed enough to make sense of what she was saying, his exhaustion took over and he passed out once again.

Uliana startled awake, the comforting silence broken by heart-wrenching pleas. She could only make out the last words "is my leg gone" which made her stomach turn and her body flush with guilt.

She had caused this man's suffering. His cries of panic concerning his leg filled her with such guilt it seemed to swallow her. Though she only had vague memories, she was aware of what she had done while delirious with fever.

Her fever had broken only a short time ago. She felt very weak and mostly slept but the healer, Dr Beckett and the leader here, Dr Weir had come to talk with her. They had asked her about what had happened and she told them all that she could remember. They, in turn, filled in the gaps, explaining that her arm injury was severe enough to cause the fevered delirium. Her grief transposed upon the injured man she know knew as Colonel John Sheppard.

She shuddered at the vague recollections of believing he was her Keon. Most of that time was lost to her, but she did remember her determination to save him, to rid his body of the limb that was slowly poisoning the rest of him.

It had felt so real. Even now, she had a hard time accepting that her Keon was gone and that she had believed this other man was her deceased mate.

These good people were kind, and despite what she had done to one of their own, they had also brought her back to their home, using their advanced medical knowledge to help heal her. She was grateful, but a part of her...a very large part of her wished they had left her. She most likely would have succumbed to her injuries but, would have been home with her memories and would have welcomed joining her husband for eternity. The unbearable pain of his loss would have been over.


	7. Chapter 7

Grief

chapter seven

John woke with a start, taking a moment to take stock of whatever state he was in. He remembered waking before, he remembered the panic, and most importantly he remembered Teyla's soothing voice reassuring him that he still had his leg. His heart rate increased at the memories and the monitor attached to his chest gave him away.

"Ahh, its okay John. Carson?! Beckett?! He's waking up!"

Rodney rose quickly, setting his laptop aside. Not being very good in the comforting department, but wanting to do right in comforting his friend, he carefully held onto John's shoulder in support.

Carson arrived, a worried look on his face. The last time the Colonel woke he had experienced what surmounted to be a panic attack. In his pocket, he had a ready syringe full of a mild sedative, just in case. Hopefully John would be more cognitive, but Carson shuddered to imagine what it must be like to wake, not knowing if you were totally intact or minus a body part, especially for the active military man.

"Aye, Colonel...just relax. Try not to move or your injuries will be screamin' at ya! Are ya with us lad? Take your time."

John blinked, trying to focus on the encouraging words. He had a headache which made him frown with pain. Carson noticed and ordered the pain meds that he knew were due anyway. Marie rushed off to fill the order.

Carson offered a sip of water and John knew better than to gulp down too much. Damn...how many times had he woken up in this place! Unfortunately, enough times that the staff kept the bed in the back corner of the main infirmary open specifically for him...damn this galaxy!

John went to speak, but Carson beat him to it. "One, its been three days since your surgery. Two, you are on the mend, with all body parts intact...we will go over your injuries in a minute. Three, Atlantis is fine. So, you can relax."

John smirked. Carson was so smug, like he knew what he was going to ask...except...yeah...deja vu be damned!

John frowned again. His memory of the crash coming to the forefront of his mind.

"Dr Bushnell?"

He knew immediately from Carson's expression.

"There's no easy way to tell you Colonel...Dr Bushnell did not survive the jumper crash. Broken neck due to impact."

Rodney spoke up "John, there was nothing you could do. The lightning strike took out the main power conduit relay. It was a miracle you steered the jumper as well as you did. I, ah, ordered each Jumper to be fitted with seat belts immediately." Rodney looked away shamefully, afterall it was one of his guys that paid the ultimate price for their lack of safety protocol."

John just nodded his head slightly. Bushnell was a good man. His death senseless, due to a lack of basic safety equipment. They were all quiet while they thought about their colleague and said their own silent prayer for him.

Marie broke the silence " Dr Beckett? Uliana is requesting to see Colomel Sheppard?"

John cocked his head. Uliana? He didnt recall any expedition member with that name. He looked up at Carson questioningly.

Carson slipped out to speak with Marie, then came back a moment later, grabbing a chair to sit down on. Between him and Rodney they relayed what had happened. The young woman Uliana, finding him and rescuing him. Her good intentions hampered by her own injury sustained while removing him from the Jumper. The resulting infection and fever combined with weeks of depression and grief from losing her husband, plus the uncanny similarities of John's looks to that of her deceased mate adding to the delirious fevered state that had her believing John was her mate Keon and that she was being given a second chance to save him by doing what she felt she should have done the first time. Which was to amputate the limb poisoned by snakebite in an attempt to stop the spread of the venom. They told him of the difficulty they had finding the hidden shelter. And then Carson told him of his injuries and what to expect.

John was stunned. He supposed he should be grateful that Uliana had come to his rescued. She had had good intentions...it wasnt her fault she had gotten injured and developed an infection that made her crazy. Crazy enough for her to believe he was her dead mate! Crazy enough to want to chop off his leg! Chalk one more up for the Pegasus Galaxy!

He didnt blame the woman, but he didnt want to see her any time soon. He felt bad about that, usually stoic enough to undermine his own emotions, but the truth was, the memory of her crazed look yielding the sharp blade intent on cutting his leg off would dominate his nightmares for awhile yet. He knew he would eventually see her, even thank her but for now...

Carson had learned to read Colonel John Sheppard really well. Hell, he had had enough practice! The man was a trouble magnet with a capital T and his most frequent patient. Never his fault, it just seemed this galaxy had a personal vendetta against their rather selfless Colonel. But though the man seemed to own trouble, he also possessed the same amount, if not more, of his share of luck. Carson shuddered, hoping that luck never ran out..or that trouble would give up on their good Colonel.

"No introductions today, I'm afraid, laddie...I see you are way past tired. i'll send Marie back to top off your pain meds so you can rest easily."

John knew Carson would wait for him to request the meeting with Uliana when he was ready, not before.

-oOo-

To insure they wouldnt see each other before the Colonel was ready, Carson determined that Uliana was ready to be released from the infirmary to a private guest room. All she needed now were checks to make sure the infection was gone and lots of rest. He had talked to her about talking to Dr Heightmeyer about grief counseling and she had been receptive to the suggestion.

Two weeks later, Carson was pleased with John's progression. Though healing well, there was significant numbness in his lower leg and foot, but Dr Rodriguez was still hopeful. The two doctors had conversed and agreed about requesting the Asgard healing device from the SGC in the hopes that it may help knit the multitude of minute severed nerves faster. Time was their enemy now. Severed nerves could take up to a year to heal, if at all.

Carson was also worried about John's mental state. He could already see the signs of frustration. He couldnt imagine the active Colonel to be restricted and compliant for any length of time. Depression was a real threat , but Carson was more worried that the good Colonel would just push himself too hard and undo any healing that had taken place. Another thing that was apparent, was that John had yet to ask to see Uliana. The woman was doing really well physically and her sessions with Dr Heightmeyr had been very beneficial, though she still harbored guilt about what she had done to the Colonel. She was almost ready to be released back to her home world to resume her life there.

Carson knew John still had trouble with nightmares and had insisted he speak with Dr Heightmeyer. Carson would play his cards close and he would dangle the promise of release to his quarters in another week, if and only if, John agreed to regularly scheduled appoints with the psychologist.

He knew both John and Uliana needed closure with one another in order to move on. He would have to push the issue with John.

It took alot of convincing, but John finally agreed to meet with Uliana. John used his own brand of bartering, telling Carson he wanted the meeting in his own quarters, not lying in an infirmary bed. He knew he needed it for himself and figured Uliana needed to see that he was healing too.

Being back in his room gave him a sense of peace, even if it would be only for a short while. Carson had warned him that he would be back in the infirmary once they started the healing device treatments. His thoughts were interrupted by a quiet knocking at his door. Teyla answered the door, knowing who it was. She had gotten to know the young woman over the last weeks and held no ill will against her, as she was sure John would not either. Uliana was obviously nervous, wringing her hands together. Teyla stayed long enough to introduce the two and then left. She knew John would be kind, as they had talked at length about what had happened and why.

Uliana nervously began her apology when John stopped her.

"Uliana, there is no need to apologize. You came to my rescue and ended up hurting yourself. In caring for me, you neglected your own injury which caused the infection and fever. I'm so sorry for your loss. You must have loved your husband very much, ah, from what Tomas said, my likeness to his is very close. I know it was the fever and grief that took over. Its not your fault, please dont think that I blame you."

Again, Uliana tried to apologize, but John cut her off. He just couldnt listen to this young woman grovel for his forgiveness when she had not done anything maliciously.

"I wanted to thank you for helping me. It couldnt have been easy for you to drag me to that shelter. I really appreciate all you did. Carson said the potions you gave me helped fight any infection I had and helped me sleep and rest so the concussion didnt get worse. Thankyou."

Uliana didnt know what to say. This man was graciously thanking her, after what she had done. She decided to leave it at that. She had grown stronger over the last weeks, her talks with the doctor had helped her deal with her grief. She was ready to go home and resume her life. No longer wishing to join her husband in death, but able to celebrate his life. And the new life that now grew inside her. The doctors here had determined she was with child and that it was boy. They were also able to pinpoint the approximate time of her concieving to be the very week before Keon had died.

Uliana had one more thing to ask. " Colonel Sheppard, you are an honorable man. Thankyou for seeing me and I thank all of your people for being so wonderful. As you know, I am expecting a child. Thankfully Keon's blood will live on in this child. I would be honored if you would allow me to use your name. I would like to name my child Keon John Ancovali.

John was shocked, but honored. "Please, call me John. And...I would be honored."

Uliana stood to leave and bent to shyly kiss John on the cheek. "Thankyou...John."

He smiled warmly, as she did also. She said her goodbyes. She would be leaving for her home that afternoon.

A week later, the SGC came through, allowing the Asgard healing device to be used on John. General Hammond knew he needed the unconventional Colonel whole and in charge, just as much as he knew the Colonel needed Atlantis. He had scoured the list of available Military commanders and sadly, found none who would be as capable as Colonel John Sheppard had proved to be. Oh, the officers were all highly trained, but none had that special quality that Sheppard had in spades, that allowed him to thrive in another galaxy under the constant threat of a myriad of unknowns.

Two highly trained technicians brought the device through the statgate and after briefing, would administer the treatment over the next several weeks. It was a process that couldnt be rushed.

After three sessions, the prognosis was improving for his leg. The numbness was still there, but was reducing in intensity. John was put on light duty, filling in his time between paperwork with physical therapy and McKaysitting. He often sat in on Ronon's sparring sessions with his troops and had meditation sessions with Teyla. He couldnt say he was bored exactly but he wasnt antsy like he usually was while recuperating. He had resigned himself to taking each day as it came. As long as he continued making progress, he was happy. He knew everyone was pulling for him.

Epilogue

John was back to full duty after four months. The Asgard Healing Device had done an excellent job at healing his leg, though he would always have residual numbness in the area around the wound site, but nothing that hindered him physically.

John and his team, plus Carson exited the stargate. Tomas greeted them as he had done several times over the last few months. A grin was planted on his face. It was always good to see the Atlantis team. It was always good to see the Colonel come, his injury well healed. not hampering his occupation. Tomas marvelled at how fast the man had healed from such a grievous injury. He had worried that the man would harbor resentment for what had happened to him, but Colonel Sheppard had proved to be most forgiving, and had insisted that they not speak of it any further.

Tomas had gotten to know the Atlantis team well and truly felt their friendship was a blessing. His community had benefited greatly with the trade they had established. Their farms flourished with the new irrigation techniques the Lanteans had taught them. in return ,a science team had been allowed to be stationed at the Ancient site for well over a month and were due to go home soon with the information collected.

"Welcome! Colonel Sheppard! It is good to see you once again. It is fortuitous that you come on this day! We have a new member in our community you will want to meet!

Of course, they knew Uliana had given birth. The fine healthy boy was just three days old.

"The naming ceremony is tonight. Will you stay?!"

John was kind of embarassed. He knew Uliana had told none of her people her intentions with naming her child partly after him. He had told his team and had since taken all the teasing that came with it, especially from Rodney.

That night, the proud mother eulogized her deceased mate and celebrated the birth of her son. After much food and drink, the naming ceremony concluded with the naming of the child.

"Now that we have all shared food and drink and celebrated my son's birth, I have chosen a name of two very deserving men. Men with the qualities I hope my son possesses as he grows into a fine young man. Qualities like honesty, commitment, passion and compassion. Qualities I know his father possessed and qualities I have seen the other to possess also. May I introduce you to my son 'Keon John Ancovali"! May he make his namesakes proud!

Fin

Thanks so much for reading my story! I hope I didn't disappoint with skipping over John's recovery...it was more about Uliana and her grief...with a bit of Shep whump thrown in...


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